R.I.P gigglecrab

EDIT: It's been several months since I made this post. A few days ago, Gigglecrab accepted my friend request. She's back. (She also stumbled onto this blog some time prior to adding me, and did read this post, haha.)

This is not a normal post. Prior to writing this, I was considering the possibility of just making this a perfectly safe, ordinary post, by like, just having the blog title "R.I.P gigglecrab" and below it a single clean quote ripped right from gigglecrab's own profile.

The quote that I've ripped is a sad one. You'll find it on gigglecrab's "about me" tab.

You'll read it at the end of this post.

I found gigglecrab's levels six or so months ago, long before I had any idea of the situation this person was in. (Did gigglecrab know that death was coming in a matter of months? I honestly can't tell.) Gigglecrab's levels were quite good; clever, intriguingly dark, well-designed, etc. But the real reason I liked her levels was because I felt that I could truly sense a person behind them.

I know that I've written a lot about sadness over the course of this blog, and I'm not saying that there isn't real sadness present in those other LBP creations (ones I've written about below), but gigglecrab represents a sadness on another kind of level. I can explain this.

The sadness in those other levels is kind of surreal, put there almost unintentionally; fueling an impression that the creators (children, remember) are moping to themselves about their problems; internally - not to us. The vibe I get from those levels is that their young creators don't consciously expect players to feel their pain. It's more "for them (the creators), then for us," if that makes sense - it is, in a weird way, their own privacy and isolation. This is partly why their levels feel weirdly one-sided and lonesome, why they're so easy and emotionally "safe" to prey upon in this blog.

In comparison, gigglecrab's levels actually hurt. They are designed to confront you and hurt you. It's real, terrible pain. You can feel it. There are certain levels of irony and self-awareness going on in the levels but behind it all, you find this.

Suicide. Pain. Sex. Self harm. Blood. Bullying. Mental Health Issues.

Gigglecrab's levels feature all of these, and not in a hidden, safe way. Not every level is horrifying, mind you, but most are.

On the fourth of March (two weeks ago) I absent-mindedly stumbled onto her page for the first time in months. What I saw on her "about me" section made me message her immediately. She'd only updated the thing a few days ago.

I've received no reply.

And tonight I found myself crying over it. I've been thinking about it every day and today I finally collapsed onto my bed and started praying, yes praying, to this person, whoever he/she is, actually praying into the fucking afterlife that gigglecrab didn't die feeling alone and sad and misunderstood. I never pray, I'm not a catholic by any means. I do understand that to you, the reader, this sudden outburst might be a bit weird and or/confronting. I didn't really signpost in the text here that I'd explode like this, did I? But this is honestly how I feel and honestly how it happened today - I exploded like this.

I messaged her, two weeks ago, because I wanted this person to know that somebody was listening and that somebody was actually acknowledging her pain at the time of her deathbed. (Or final act of suicide, could be either.) I sent THIS to her:

"Your LPB planet says you are offline now. Nevertheless, your stuff moves me. You seem sad, and it appears that you might be dead soon, for whatever reason. I am writing because I want to send you some love :) Some love from a stranger, haha, but love all the same. Here :)"

(Now you see why I don't think of this as a "safe" post. Honestly, I expect some mockage from certain members on Gamefaqs)

Point is, I have no idea if gigglecrab had that when she died - someone there to listen to her. Really listen. I honestly don't. I tried to express what I felt as simply and honestly as I could. Am I coming across as too defensive? I have no idea. I feel vulnerable sharing this.

Anyway, part of the motivation behind the message I sent: Her levels clearly grieve upon the ways people cover up sadness, the way people refuse to "see" sadness in people who clearly cry every other night. Her levels are laced with irony, basically laughing at her own depression and her own inability to express it to other people, people who seem to have had existed in her life and smooched over her depression in various different ways.

She even shows awareness of the fact that most people who play her levels will avoid acknowledging the obvious depression on-scene; displayed perfectly by kids, children of all things, with their awkward fucking comments on each level of hers; "what did i just watch? xD" "lol that was odd :P" - stuff like that. I know they're children, but it hurts to see people writing stuff like that. Missing the point.

It must've hurt her. Look at this.

And this is the quote I've ripped - what now reads on gigglecrab's profile.

This.

My petals will soon be gone - Offline since 04/01/13